What is a Toxic Friendship?

A toxic friendship is a relationship between friends that is emotionally damaging, imbalanced, or draining. Unlike healthy friendships, which are built on mutual respect, trust, support, and joy, toxic friendships often involve manipulation, competition, resentment, or one-sided effort. These relationships can leave a person feeling worse after interactions rather than uplifted or supported.

Characteristics of a Toxic Friendship:

Lack of Support:

1. A toxic friend may be unsupportive or dismissive of your accomplishments, feelings, or goals.
2. Instead of cheering you on, they might downplay your successes or even compete with you.

Constant Criticism or Judgment:

1. Criticism might be disguised as “just being honest,” but it’s often harsh, frequent, or unnecessary.
2. Toxic friends might make you feel like you’re never good enough.

Manipulative or Controlling Behavior:

1. They may try to guilt-trip, control your decisions, or make you feel obligated to do things their way.
2. Emotional manipulation can include gaslighting, where they make you doubt your reality or feelings.

One-Sided Effort:

1. You’re always the one initiating contact, making plans, or being emotionally available, with little to no reciprocity.
2. They may only reach out when they need something.

Jealousy and Sabotage:

1. They might undermine your other relationships or try to isolate you from others.
2. Their jealousy can lead to passive-aggressive behavior or sabotage, especially when you’re doing well.

Draining Interactions:

1. After spending time with them, you often feel exhausted, anxious, or emotionally depleted, instead of energized or comforted.
2. The friendship might feel more like an obligation than a joy.

Disrespect of Boundaries:

1. They regularly ignore or overstep your personal boundaries, whether emotional, physical, or time related.
2. This might include pressuring you into things you’re uncomfortable with or sharing things you told them in confidence.

Effects on Mental/Emotional Health:

Being in a toxic friendship can feel like a slow erosion of your emotional well-being. What might start off as subtle red flags—little jabs disguised as jokes, dismissive comments, or moments of manipulation—can gradually build into a constant emotional strain. Over time, this relationship can instill a deep sense of anxiety. You may find yourself overthinking every interaction, anticipating the next mood swing or sarcastic remark, and walking on eggshells just to keep the peace. This chronic tension keeps your nervous system in a heightened state of alertness, which is exhausting and destabilizing.

One of the most damaging effects is on your self-esteem. Toxic friends often chip away at your confidence, whether through constant criticism, backhanded compliments, or subtle comparisons. As a result, you may begin to question your worth, your decisions, and even your perception of reality—especially if they engage in gaslighting behaviors that make you doubt your memories or feelings. You might start to feel like you’re the problem, even when you’re not, and that can cause you to internalize blame that doesn’t belong to you. Over time, this wears down your sense of identity and makes it harder to trust yourself or others.

Emotionally, the relationship can become incredibly draining. Healthy friendships are mutual and energizing, but toxic ones often feel one-sided—where you’re constantly giving, supporting, or trying to fix things, while receiving little in return. This kind of emotional labor can lead to burnout and resentment, and it can even affect your capacity to connect with others. In some cases, the toxic friend may try to isolate you, either by subtly discouraging your other relationships or making you feel guilty for having boundaries or needing space. This isolation compounds the damage, making you feel lonely even while surrounded by people.

The internal conflict is also profound. You may genuinely care about this person, especially if you’ve known them for years, which makes it incredibly painful to acknowledge the harm they’re causing. Your head might tell you to step away, while your heart holds onto the memories of better times. This tug-of-war can create emotional confusion, guilt, and sadness—all while your mental health quietly deteriorates under the weight of a connection that no longer serves you.

Why Do People Stay in These Relationships?

People often stay in toxic friendships for many of the same reasons they stay in unhealthy romantic relationships, because walking away, even from something painful, can be incredibly complicated. At its core, a toxic friendship usually isn’t 100% bad all the time. There are moments of laughter, connection, and history that make letting go feel like a betrayal of all the good times. That emotional investment, especially if the friendship is long-term, creates a powerful attachment. You might think, “They’ve been there for me before,” or “We’ve just been through so much together.” Those memories become anchors, making it harder to acknowledge that the present version of the relationship is doing more harm than good.

Another major reason people stay is the hope for change. It’s easy to believe that maybe if you’re more patient, more forgiving, more understanding, things will improve. There’s often a sense that the friend is just “going through a rough time” or that they didn’t mean to hurt you. You might hold onto a belief that they’ll eventually go back to being the person they were in the beginning—someone who seemed supportive or fun or loyal. That hope, mixed with compassion, keeps you in a cycle of giving more chances than you should.

Fear plays a big role too. The fear of being alone, of losing your social circle, or of dealing with confrontation can be overwhelming. Especially if the toxic friend is deeply embedded in your life, mutual friends, shared routines, or even family ties, it may feel easier to tolerate the dysfunction than to shake up your whole world. And if your self-esteem has already taken a hit from the relationship, you might start believing that this is the best you can get, or that you’re too sensitive, or too needy. Toxic friends often reinforce that narrative, subtly making you feel like you’re lucky they’ve stuck around.

Sometimes people stay simply because they haven’t yet fully recognized the friendship as toxic. The behaviors may have escalated slowly or been masked by manipulation, leaving you confused about whether you’re overreacting. Especially if you’re an empathetic person, it can be hard to draw the line between being understanding and being used. There’s also a societal pressure to be a “good friend,” to be loyal no matter what, which can cause people to override their own boundaries in the name of kindness.

What Should You Do to Get Out of a Toxic Friendship?

1. Evaluate the Relationship: Ask yourself: Do I feel valued, respected, and safe in this friendship?
2. Set Boundaries: Communicate your limits clearly. If they continue to cross them, that’s a red flag.
3. Distance Yourself: Gradually reducing contact can help you reclaim emotional space without a dramatic confrontation (if you prefer that approach).
4. Have a Direct Conversation: If you’re comfortable, explain how their behavior is affecting you. Sometimes, people aren’t aware of how they come across.
5. End the Friendship: In some cases, the healthiest choice is to walk away. Ending it doesn’t mean you’re cruel; it means you’re protecting your well-being.
6. Seek Support: Talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or counselor to help you process and cope.

Final Thought:

Friendships, like any relationship, should contribute positively to your life. A toxic friendship can be subtle at first, but over time, it chips away at your emotional health. Recognizing the signs and taking steps to protect yourself is not selfish—it’s an act of self-respect and self-care.