The Patriarchy
Simply put, is a social system were men primarily hold the power. This affects all parts of our society like education, work, health and safety. Essentially, the American Dream is based off of this idea; the breadwinning husband and the cleaning housewife. From rags to riches, with a big backyard and picket fence to keep the dog in. And while, yes, this “dream” is based off inherently sexist ideas, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting this. It’s called the “American Dream” for a reason.
In 1945 to the mid 60s, this could be classified as the American Dream’s hayday, as the World War II just ended, causing an economic boom. This is especially notable because of the harsh rationing with gas and food Americans had to go through during the war. But is ‘dream’ something that’s still attainable in the modern world? Or, even okay to implement? I mean, I was born 63 years later, this was an era I can’t even begin to understand what it was like to live during this time. Despite the economic shift, people were mourning and worried about this peace that could so easily be ruined, just like it had a few years prior. In my opinion, I honestly think this lifestyle, this societal ‘dream’, is outdated.
With that being said, I understand people believing that the patriarchy doesn’t exist, or just genuinely ignoring it. Obviously, I don’t agree with this stand point, but if something is pushed on you so much, you’ll believe it’s the norm. That’s kind of what’s happened anyways. Like, when I was growing up, I remember my friend telling me that her dad is the one that cooks and I genuinely remember thinking that was so weird. Aren’t women the one that’s supposed to cook? And dads are supposed to go to work…right?
And to the people ignoring it, the patriarchy is something so deeply rooted in our culture that we can’t really get rid of it…and as sad as it is to say, I really don’t think this is something I’ll see change in my lifetime. So, ignoring it might seem like the easy way out because well, ‘there’s nothing I can do.’ But, you can’t ignore the effects it’s had on us.
On women, AND men.
For women, the effects can be more visible, not that that makes it any less valid, of course. You might’ve heard the base levels, like unequal pay, but it goes so much more deep than that. Did you know that pants did not become daily attire until about the 60-70s? This feels insane to me, like even though I love skirts and dresses, I don’t wear them to school and this is something I have because of feminism. I get to vote, buy a house and go outside without being being critized. I didn’t know this but back in the day, CLASSY women had chaperones that were usually her husband or male family members. And while it was never illegal for women to not get married, often subjected them to poverty or social stigmas. Like, being called a witch for being unmarried, widowed or even just being elderly? Hello??? Historians say the number of women that were killed because of witch allegations could be as high as 60,000.
And while we’ve come a long way from burning women at the stake, women still experience social pressure of all sorts and just violence too. This article from BBC called “Brain Scars” states that almost one in three women have experienced violence, discrimination, cat-calling or being belittled. If you ask any women in your life, I promise they will have a story of some sort.
My own experience.
I was in Hobby Lobby with my mom and we were looking at yarn for something to crochet, when this man who looked very rugged and to be in his about late 20s came up to us. He said hello, we were polite and said hi back. Then, he started saying, “Do you have any advice for how to hit on girls? Because my friend over there is 21 and very lonely.” And my mom and I were trying to be polite because first of all,…how do you respond to that…but also because we don’t know this man or what he’s capable of. We replied, “Uhm…I don’t know…be nice??” And he was like “Oh ok.” He went silent and kinda just stood in the aisle with us. The whole time also, my mom was saying things like, “Just be nice. Okay, have a nice day.” Like, you know, trying to get him to leave in the nicest way possble.
But he kept going, “Well my friends actually 19, so maybe you’d be perfect for him.”….Me??…And I thought he was 21?? I was like “No thank you, I’m not interested and wayy too young.” And he’s like “Well, how old are you?” Mind you, this was only a few months ago so I was already 17, but that didn’t matter. I didn’t want to tell this strange man who was most definitely lying about “his friend” my age. “I’m 15.” and I know this seems like a long interaction but it was only about 2-3 minutes long, despite how much he’s dragging it on. My mom puts her hand on mine, hinting at me that we need to go. I don’t remember what he said after this, but it was something like “Oh, my friend doesn’t mind.” Which was INSANE. Like I MIND. We did not get what we went there for, we just left but not before we told the cashier about the “strange man in aisle #6”. I’m not sure if they actually did anything about it, I doubt they did but wow.
The craziest part to me is that earlier on my way home from school, I was stopped at a stop light and I turned to my left and I make direct eye contact with an older man. Like, 35-40s older man. He, to my disgust, starts blowing kisses at me. He was in the passenger seat which means there was at least 2 people in the car. The light turns green, I try to ignore it because while it is gross, it’s over but I can just go home now. I notice that the same lifted, white, Ford F150 is behind me. Maybe I was just being paranoid, but just in case, I went into the neighborhood beside my house. What solidified that they were following me was that I went though the same neighborhood loop five times, and they were still there! By the 8th time at the stop sign, I figured I’d shake it up and go to the other side of the neighborhood but at that point, they’d gotten bored and sped away. I still went though the backside and went the long way home.
I try to understand that it’s not all men, but I don’t know the true intention of any of these men from this day, and I never will. And as much as I hate to admit it, disgusting and downright horror stories like these make it feel impossible to believe man-hating ins’t the way to go. But experiences like these that not just I, but many women have experienced made me chose this topic in the first place.
For men, it often flies under the radar.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized this was even a problem, and as much I hate to admit that, I know a lot of people feel the same. And it’s not even just that we believe it’s the norm, it’s that in a system that gives men the upper-hand, it’s no surprise that I was so ignorant to something like this. It’s no surprise that people CHOOSE to be ignorant to this.
One of the primary ways the patriarchy hurts men in through the enforcement of traditional gender roles. Men are often expected to be strong, stoic, self reliant and discouraged from feeling any real emotion or seeking help even if they desprately need it. There’s such social pressure to fit into this narrative that anyone who doesn’t, is at higher risk for violence. “How the Patriarchy Hurts Men too” states that “In Canada, the most violent hate crimes are typically men attacking other men on the basis of perceived sexual orientation. Nationally, young men account for around 90 per cent of people arrested for gay-bashing crimes.” Not only it is so normalized for men to be scared of being called “gay”, (which shouldn’t be considered an insult but that’s a whole new conversation) but the violence in question is normalized too! The same article says, “Worldwide, violence against women and girls is still an urgent issue. From child brides, forced marriages, sexual assault, human trafficking, domestic violence, and femicide, there’s no shortage of ways in which women and girls are still subject to violence under patriarchy. “
I’m sure you’ve all heard if you bottle up you’re emotions, they’ll come back stronger. Well, this is exactly what this is. If we tell men to never be sad or at least never show it from an early age, this violence is a direct product of that. This system limits vulnerability and true connection because anything of that sort is “weak”. From the same article, “Patriarchal ideas about masculinity can pose a great danger to men’s health, because masculinity encourages risk-taking behaviour and discourages help-seeking or health-enhancing behaviour—meaning men are more likely to get hurt or sick and less likely to seek help when they are. Men are less likely to go to the doctor or seek counselling support for mental health issues.” Naturally as a result, suicide rates for men are higher than women and rising.
Gender Wars
I think this retaliation is festering in other ways too, not just physical violence. Maybe this is why so many of those alpha male podcasts exist? Not just for men either but maybe this is the same anger that Misandrists feel and this is why both sides feel so strongly. This is just my thought though. I also think this is why online I’ve heard this question that has never ending answer: which gender has it harder? This question is absolutely ridiculous to me, everyone is going to be biased in one way or another. These questions only feed the “gender wars” and does nothing but divide and are fundamentally counterproductive. They only distract from real issues of inequality and push stereotypes that aren’t necessarily true. By participating in these questions, it makes us focus on our differences and even exaggerating them instead of learning empathy and understanding between genders.
Questions like these, stereotypes we’re scared of and an entire system that sets us up for failure, only subjects us to restriction. The patriarchy only perpetuates gender roles and fosters division. It limits potential creativity and connection between others. It’s important we move beyond these harmful stereotypes and systems and find ways to connect with others instead of driving a wedge between us.
Articles used in para. 9-10 -“https://www.nextgenmen.ca/blog/why-patriarchy-hurts-men-too”
The Golden Thread 
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